Monday, December 16, 2013

Therefore honor God with your bodies.

I received a call from my Dr. today (finally) with my biopsy results: Benign, come back in 6 months for another review. Exhale! I can breath! I have been holding my breath since last Monday, 12/9/2013 when the biopsy took place, answering my phone calls on the first ring, waiting to hear. What an emotional week - it just so happens that last Saturday 12/14 was the anniversary of my moms death, taken too soon by breast cancer and in correlation I was waiting to hear if I might have to face cancer  too (I sound like such a drama queen). I feel as though I was "on hold" for this whole week, not wanting to do anything, not make a move until I know...I am grateful to God that His plan for me was different, but I know that He would have been with me either way. Remembering that nothing happens by chance - I am not my own, I am bought with a price: 1 Corinthians 6:20, Therefore honor God with your bodies...I'm pretty healthy, I have goals and dreams that I feel God has put in my heart, what will I do with that?  
I waste alot of time worrying, I waste alot of time in jealousy and envy of others, so much so that I don't get anywhere at all myself.  A wake up call of sorts: I am able to put those things behind me and be and do better for myself, for others, for God.  

Saturday, December 14, 2013

My name is Patsy, and I'm a foodaholic

Potluck at work - it started innocently enough, a few pieces of fruit, some yogurt and a tamale. I was trying to be selective...until I wasn't. It's like a snowball and then an avalanche, growing and growing and falling on my head! Binge! The next plate of food has a little of everything on it, so much so, that I need a 2nd plate for the Armenian pizza I cant say no to. Then I can't even tell you what I ate from there, sadly, its a blur. I ended the day at work walking out the office with hard candy in my mouth. I never eat hard candy, really, and thinking about what I would eat next.
The eating continued when I got home, some Cheetos puffs; I don't even know if I like those but they were there and I could keep chomping away until it was time to eat dinner when I had planned in my head to treat the family to In n Out Burger. I went to bed at about 11pm eating Hot Tamales candy, literally mouth full of candy. I woke up out of sleep about 1am and walked to the kitchen and mindlessly ate some cookies, turned on the TV and ate some more cheese puffs and feel asleep there - like a drunk passing out after a wild drinking binge. That's what its like, I even wake up with a food hangover, disgusted, guilty, feeling sick, needing water, with a headache saying "I will never do that again!" Until I do...

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Now I wait for the punchline

I was pretty emotional when I was told I needed a biopsy.
At that moment, the emotions were not about me though -
My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer at age 37 and her life was taken by cancer at age 47.
She was not the type to "share" her experiences - she never talked about her life, her feelings, past or present to us. So, when she was going through her illness and treatment she never, ever discussed any of it with us - I think in her mind she was trying to protect us or show strength. She went through it alone and that moment in the ultrasound room, it was dark, only the light of the screen and the tech had walked out for a long while and I was alone - I felt my moms loneliness like a heavy weight on my heart and I cried, not for me but I felt like I was crying for her. I wondered if she cried - sadly, I don't know.    

I was told that I have 2 masses, one that appears to look very closely to breast tissue (and will be kept an eye on in the next 6 months, and one that looks "different" (in the words of the Dr at that moment "different is not necessarily a bad thing")
I was so nervous for the procedure but I think the Kaiser nurses and Drs. that were involved did a great job of preparing me, detailed and knowledgeable - they told me every step that would take place, answered every question I had and were so so nice, gentle & comforting  the best "service" I've experienced. The nurses assured me that the Dr. doing my procedure was the most gentle that they work with - blessed me! cause my level of nervousness far surpassed what the experience called for in retrospect (but I also think this of mammograms, people just make mammo sounds soooo bad and that hasn't been my experience but that may be because my boobs are saggy and mostly skin due to weight loss - TMI ha! it's MY blog).

I laid on my back in the dark room so that the Dr. could use the ultrasound to pinpoint the exact area he needed to sample. So, I watched the screen while he gave me a shot - local anesthetic, similar to when you have your teeth worked on. I only felt a tiny pinch and was quickly numb. 2 needlely instruments were inserted to the left breast, I could see their target on the screen, so so tiny, a piece of dust but perfectly round and distinct. I could see when the needle reached it and heard a loud click, like a big staple gun - the sample was removed, needle reinserted and another loud click. The Dr. then inserted the tiniest titanium piece at the spot of the biopsy, like a spec - I liked that they called it a "ribbon" so that the spot will be easily viewed in the future, and he was done. One of the nurses had to stand over me and applied pressure to the area for what seemed like forever to minimize bleeding. They applied sutures and then had me just rest so they could keep an eye on me for a while - they really "babied" me, which is fine by me. Before I left they did another mammo to make sure the "ribbon" was visible, gave me instruction for after care - Ice, ice and more ice all day in my bra. Told me not to exercise or do any activity that will raise my heart rate for 3-5 days (no lifting over 5 lbs)  and to heed their warning to take it easy - that I will feel fine at first, but don't be fooled. I was pretty good at first, probably mostly relief that the procedure was done - but as the day went on I was really sore and have been for the last few days - this is day 3 and I still feel sore.
They said it would take 3 to 5 days to receive the results of the biopsy - so, now I am waiting to hear. They asked, should we leave a message if we can't reach you?  I guess so, no, maybe not, what if its positive and my daughter hears the message before me and she's alone and I can't comfort her? No, no message. The Dr. the nurses & Google have all told me of the slim slim chances that the spot is cancer. I wonder if that is what they told my mom too...I will never know.


Monday, December 9, 2013

A joke

So, these 2 mammograms and an ultrasound walk into a bar...

today I will have a breast biopsy to see if they found trouble

Friday, December 6, 2013

You make beautiful things

My daughter made my blog pretty! So I have to post something -
I'm pretty computer illiterate - but she's a wiz.  I (all too often) ask her to help me with things on the computer, even putting songs on my iPod.
I thought a blog would be a great outlet and I'd have all these things to say - opinions, ideas...but the thoughts get tangled and seem overwhelming sometimes. It would be so ideal if I just knew how to keep things simple. My mind is either a list: 1, 2, 3, or a novel - words upon words, there's seems to be no in between and that is what keeps me from writing down anything at all most times. I think a blog should be personal, but how much to say?  And then the focus of the subject matter - what I think about, what my interests are...what do I like? I like food and I like running, but can these always be the topic? How many times can I talk about these things geesh! I wonder why I am wired this way - why I have the interest that I have? Is this Gods plan, is He making something beautiful out of this stuff? I can only hope and have faith that He is.
Struggle with weight, self / body image has been a constant for me. Most days I feel like clean eating has helped me find a balance I can live with where food is concerned - not everyday, not all the time, but enough to keep me sticking to it, even when I have a "special" dinner out or something I can (more easily) pick up eating real food again - it's food that I like and enjoy anyway.
Exercise, oh exercise I don't like you - but running...suddenly something I want to do! My body does not agree but my heart pitter-patters at the thought! My legs, ankle (see previous post), hips (SI joint dysfunction), all think that running is a bad idea.  Lately I have been doing anything I can to stay at it, even just a mile or 2 a day, a walk, with the dog - but I know it is not enough considering I have a soon approaching half marathon. What will happen...everyone says they just push through the pain, the weather and adversity and just tough it out.
I don't know what else to say right now and I would like to learn to just blog whatever comes and not push to some great novel or epiphany with each entry - just what's on my mind right now:
1. A personal medical issue
2. I am making chili - mmm
3. I just signed up for Spotify and can look up and play any song I want, they have pretty much everything even old stuff from childhood that my family loved as kids (listening to Sweet Comfort Band (1990) right now)
4. God makes beautiful things out of us - I am more than food and exercise and I know that God has a plan in all of this, all the things I like, go through etc...   

Okay, TTFN

Thursday, November 7, 2013

I love to eat and run.

I am very hard on myself.  I am not sure how I will ever have a shift in my mind that will change that. When I think of the things I like, the things I enjoy - they seem so opposite of me, opposite of my physical & mental state, maybe its because it's what I dream of or wish I had. I love food. I think its beautiful and fun - I love to look at it, touch it, taste it talk about it, shop for it...take pics of it (the list is endless!) I think it basically has magical powers - yet it seems to be my worst enemy, not because of what it is , but because of what I am. Or what I see myself to be.       
I want so badly to run! I feel it like a burn in my heart and I think about it all of the time and picture myself doing it...when in reality - in my physical state, I am big and cumbersome. I have so much skin everywhere it drags me down. In addition, when I was 18 years old I was in a car accident in which my ankle was broken and I spent a month in the hospital getting my leg and ankle set, physical therapy etc... and I now have a metal plate and screws in my ankle about 6 inches long that cause me pain at times and results in extra strain on my other leg and hips when I run. I don't think I have ever had an "easy" run, one that doesn't hurt to some extent. As I am typing this I hear my mind saying things like "are you feeling sorry for yourself, your sob story - are you looking for excuses, and for others to feel sorry for you". I feel like I am trying to explain to myself why I cannot ever be more than I see myself as right now, why I never call myself a runner, why I see myself as fat and unhealthy and not good enough...trying to explain and make excuses for why I am not / cannot be the smiling runner, slim, fast, having an "easy" 12 miles today before the sun rises...

Thursday, May 30, 2013

Some People Just Don't Have It - continued

After reading my first blog post a lovely person reminded me about how important encouragement from others is to our journey and progress and good-naturedly mentioned that maybe my hubby needs a little practice in the area of encouragement. I just wanted to clarify that my husband has been very encouraging along this road and I am so used to his encouragement and pep talks that his TRUTH made me do a double take. In thinking about this I was thankful that he spoke the truth to me. It does me no good for a loved one to coddle me with encouragement when they KNOW darn well that I am not pushing myself to be my best. It reminds me of the verse in Ephesians 4:15 ~ "Instead, speaking the truth in love, we grow to become in every respect the mature body of Him who is the head, that is, Christ."
The truth spoken in love that betters me is sweeter then encouragement that leaves me chasing my tail :) 
Tonight I met my husband again for a run after work with a different mindset - ready to push and give a little more, and it was good. "I have that push, I have that push..." 
I am so blessed to have encouraging partners & family in my life and if you reallllllly love me, tell me the love of course. 

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Some People Just Don't Have it

My husband and I met after work to go for a "run". We've both been up since 5am and at work all day and needless to say - I'm not feeling it. We stretch and start on our way, a jog. I tell my husband to go ahead and run his pace and he sets off ahead of me. I do 2, 13 minute slow miles and about a half mile walking. When I meet my husband at the end of the path we walk together to cool down and I begin to complain and whine about how loooonnnng I've been trying to run, how I've kept at it and I'm still not making progress, still not running longer, still not running stronger, blah, blah, blah - this is my usual self evaluation to which he should then say "you're doing great" (or at least "you're doing fine") some kind of pep talk, but in place of this type of singsong encouragement he says "some people just don't have it, some people just don't have that "push". For a split second I was hurt that he would say that, he knew it and started to back-peddle on the comment  but I realized he was right - I certainly haven't been acting like I "have it", I certainly don't push myself. I don't like to feel pain in my joints, I don't like breathing heavy and being sweaty - In the moment, I don't like it at all. But after, when it's said and done and I've pushed myself it feels great! and I haven't had that feeling in quite a long time... I do just enough to appear active, just enough to not feel like a quitter. If I'm not pushing myself for more I think I am already a quitter. I have that PUSH! I DO! I have heard people say that they repeat a mantra to themselves while they run, for encouragement & rhythm like: "I think I can, I think I can..."  Mine may just have to be "I have that push, I have that push..." cause I realllllly want to run & see progress to prove to myself that I have IT! 
Are you pushing yourself to your goals, or doing just enough to get by?
Do you have a mantra you use that keeps you going?