I am low

When I'm angry, I want to cuss -
but most times, not always, I hold my tongue

There are multiple times during the day
that I long for a glass of wine, to relax and maybe even be a little tipsy and feel free. Free of responsibility and responsible thoughts and actions

but I am a christian woman - we don't do that?  Does it make me a hypocrite if I want that - if I do that? Am I shaming, disgracing what God has done for me, is freeing me from if I allow such things, even the thoughts into my mind, my real life?

I want to be sexy in pajamas - weird but true. I picture myself in oversized, comfy, fluffy pajamas and just being so adorably cute and sexy curled up on my couch with messy hair and a cup of coffee...

I want to have to tiptoe for a kiss or a hug - to have to reach up to put my arms around someone...

but I am big, oversized clothes only make me look bigger, like a linebacker, a man, not cute and sexy and adorably someone you'd want to cuddle and protect. I am tall; giant - pretty much taller then anyone I know. I never have to tiptoe for a kiss, or reach up to be hugged, actually, I am bent, hunched, slouched

I am low  

I fight this me everyday so I won't dislike myself more then I already do.