Monday, May 12, 2014

The making of a memory

Justin had been away for our anniversary - working in Washington.  He came home and asked what I wanted to do to celebrate both our 22 years married and mothers day. Disneyland, San Diego, Sea World?  All I could think of was going outside - to nature. So I looked for a get away spot in Big Bear and found something affordable with last minute availability and jumped on it!  I was so so excited, and happy that there would be a lot of room - we could bring Selena and Mocha and enjoy quite, family time and the outdoors...
Selena seemed to want to go with us, but made fun of me pretty much the whole time for my ideas of wanting to "be in nature" - "it's not going to be what you expected" "is this what you wanted to do?" "Are you enjoying your nature?"  There were arguments and put downs at every turn, but we get past them and try to enjoy what we can out of hurt and guilt and the promise of smiling, fun pictures that tell a tale of some great time.
I will really really try to never do that again, but I doubt I will keep that word - because when it comes down to it - I want Selena with us and won't give up trying to have fun with her, make memories with her, give her ideas and hope for fun family time in the future when I  am no longer, we went through the motions, smiled for pictures etc.
Sunday was mothers day - we woke up and argued, I cried and was sad and drove away from nature with anticipation of being home where we could be in our perspective corners, away from each other and the hurt that comes from words said, and unsaid.  We came home and slept for hours, woke up and was forced to eat a take out dinner that I didn't want ideally for my mothers day dinner - but kept us from having to choose something that was not neutral ground, like going out for margaritas and BBQ and having to leave someone home to sit with Mocha.  The mean words and attitudes continued to wound and I haven't stopped the interval crying.
Add to that the emptiness I feel that my mother is not here - the unfairness of that!! The stupidity of me checking FB again and again and seeing everyone celebrating their mothers and how their children celebrated them, an overwhelming emptiness and loneliness wraps me up like a blanket and I want to scream but am stifled by... by what? What stops me?  My dignity? HA! It's my phoniness that keeps me quite and the fear that others will hear me and not care.   

Thursday, May 1, 2014

A reflection of me

I was so sad and lonely I layed in bed and ate.  I drove through Del Taco, ordered food, drove home, ate it in bed and watched TV - consciencely, knowing that I was eating out of depresion, sadness, loniless but not caring because I wanted relief. 
I haven't cleaned my house in weeks, the kitchen floor unmopped, the toilet dirty, I wear dirty clothes - I just don't want to care, I do care, less and less each day.
We bought a new car 4 months ago, and I have not had it washed - ever. It's a mess inside and out, a reflection of me.