Give me underwear, give me liberty

I wish I had an endless supply of clean underwear, all undergarments - including socks
I loathe laundry
It's like taking a big hunk of life and throwing it in the trash - the time it takes.

2 sides of the same coin

It's like slipping into a deep sleep after a long, hard day
It's like a warm bath, or the comfort of the warm sun on your skin
like a rich, delicious, sinful dessert that you can't wait to enjoy and eat slowly to savor
It's feels safe and comfortable  
That's the danger of depression, it's easy to make it a lifestyle without realizing it's happening, without realizing it's not a good thing, it's a trap.
I guess that's the way it is with a lot of things that are bad for you
Without realizing it - what's bad is good, and what's good is bad   
Before you know it - you're drowning in the water
You're suffocating in your sleep
you've overindulged and are now choking on what was a lovely treat 
And that feels safe too

I need relief

I am addicted to pain relievers

My hurt and depression runs deep and I want to numb the pain

The problem with pain relievers though; they do not heal, they only numb or dull the pain temporarily

They do not heal

Pain relievers take many forms - most of mine are actions: eating/food, cooking, cleaning, chores. Things to occupy time and space so there's no time for the pain - no time to notice that no one else notices the gaping wounds

I am bandaged by sandwiches, stitched up by cooking dinner for my family, doing laundry or cleaning the bathroom is my crutch

I am losing sleep lately with worry - my family doesn't talk to me, include me, reach out to me and I wonder who these people are? That contact me when they have problems or need prayer but do not see me.

The pain relievers of today are no longer doing their job - they're not enough anymore and I am not healed.  
   

I am low

When I'm angry, I want to cuss -
but most times, not always, I hold my tongue

There are multiple times during the day
that I long for a glass of wine, to relax and maybe even be a little tipsy and feel free. Free of responsibility and responsible thoughts and actions

but I am a christian woman - we don't do that?  Does it make me a hypocrite if I want that - if I do that? Am I shaming, disgracing what God has done for me, is freeing me from if I allow such things, even the thoughts into my mind, my real life?

I want to be sexy in pajamas - weird but true. I picture myself in oversized, comfy, fluffy pajamas and just being so adorably cute and sexy curled up on my couch with messy hair and a cup of coffee...

I want to have to tiptoe for a kiss or a hug - to have to reach up to put my arms around someone...

but I am big, oversized clothes only make me look bigger, like a linebacker, a man, not cute and sexy and adorably someone you'd want to cuddle and protect. I am tall; giant - pretty much taller then anyone I know. I never have to tiptoe for a kiss, or reach up to be hugged, actually, I am bent, hunched, slouched

I am low  

I fight this me everyday so I won't dislike myself more then I already do.

I have to mention vacation

2 weeks into the new year already
Resolutions broken or on hold already

But let's back up a little to just a quick recap of Christmas time.
My little family went on vacation - for real.  For the first time ever we spent Christmas away from my family, in another state with my husbands family.  We actually planned more than a day or two at a time away from work and drove 25 hours straight to The Sunflower State, Kansas.
We drove through Arizona, Texas, New Mexico, Oklahoma arriving in Cherryvale on Friday Morning - the day before the main event, our niece Taylor's wedding. We missed any bad weather on our drive there, thank you Lord - but brought with us freezing cold temps and an ice storm.  
It was a blessing to be able to stay with my husbands sister, Tina and her family. After resting a while from our drive we had lunch with Justin's mom at a burger place called Braums. It had been a long time since we'd seen her. That evening we attended the wedding rehearsal dinner, met some of the family friends and enjoyed fried chicken and cake. We awoke on Saturday to freezing cold temps and what I thought was beautiful, sparkly ice on everything - icicles hanging off the house, trees and vehicles. We are not used to start up our cars 20 minutes before you need to go somewhere, and scrapping and chipping the ice off your windows. My sister in law doesn't own a coffee maker!! Shock! Whaaat! No way right?  But the great host that she is was kind enough to have already gone out and picked up plenty of coffee and breakfast. That afternoon was Taylor and Kenan's Christmas themed wedding. The church was simply, beautifully decorated with lighted Christmas trees, candles, pine and bows. The background music was christmasy too, with a small, 3 piece (I think) brass instruments and piano. Taylor looked beautiful in her moms wedding dress, redesigned to her taste. She has such an easy way about her, seeming genuinely happy, relaxed and confident in this day, in this decision she had made. The reception was comfortable and fun with great food, soup bar - delicious and gorgeous Christmas wedding sugar cookies - mmm mmm and some dancing fun for some at the end.
Sunday morning was another big day - we woke up early to drive to Kansas City, MO. to see the Kansas City Chiefs play at Arrowhead stadium. The roads we icy and scary (IMO) When we arrived at the stadium it was so fun to see all the fans there - everyone in the Chiefs gear all in red! We'd been to Chiefs games before when they were playing California teams, so this was exciting to be on the home turf. My husband is a man of few words, few expressions but I knew he was excited for this day - I could feel it. It was a happy, great family time and I am thankful to his sister Tina for the tickets she gave him for his birthday. It was a dream come true for him. It was freezing at the game, about 20 degrees, but windy and icy. The seats were mostly frozen shut and people were chipping away at the ice but luckily our seats were in a covered pavilion that was a little more bearable then other seats, but no matter - the place was packed and loud and full of energy. There came a point where it just became too cold to stay and we walked back to our truck stiffly, frozen, sniffling and happy that we came.  

Therefore honor God with your bodies.

I received a call from my Dr. today (finally) with my biopsy results: Benign, come back in 6 months for another review. Exhale! I can breath! I have been holding my breath since last Monday, 12/9/2013 when the biopsy took place, answering my phone calls on the first ring, waiting to hear. What an emotional week - it just so happens that last Saturday 12/14 was the anniversary of my moms death, taken too soon by breast cancer and in correlation I was waiting to hear if I might have to face cancer  too (I sound like such a drama queen). I feel as though I was "on hold" for this whole week, not wanting to do anything, not make a move until I know...I am grateful to God that His plan for me was different, but I know that He would have been with me either way. Remembering that nothing happens by chance - I am not my own, I am bought with a price: 1 Corinthians 6:20, Therefore honor God with your bodies...I'm pretty healthy, I have goals and dreams that I feel God has put in my heart, what will I do with that?  
I waste alot of time worrying, I waste alot of time in jealousy and envy of others, so much so that I don't get anywhere at all myself.  A wake up call of sorts: I am able to put those things behind me and be and do better for myself, for others, for God.  

My name is Patsy, and I'm a foodaholic

Potluck at work - it started innocently enough, a few pieces of fruit, some yogurt and a tamale. I was trying to be selective...until I wasn't. It's like a snowball and then an avalanche, growing and growing and falling on my head! Binge! The next plate of food has a little of everything on it, so much so, that I need a 2nd plate for the Armenian pizza I cant say no to. Then I can't even tell you what I ate from there, sadly, its a blur. I ended the day at work walking out the office with hard candy in my mouth. I never eat hard candy, really, and thinking about what I would eat next.
The eating continued when I got home, some Cheetos puffs; I don't even know if I like those but they were there and I could keep chomping away until it was time to eat dinner when I had planned in my head to treat the family to In n Out Burger. I went to bed at about 11pm eating Hot Tamales candy, literally mouth full of candy. I woke up out of sleep about 1am and walked to the kitchen and mindlessly ate some cookies, turned on the TV and ate some more cheese puffs and feel asleep there - like a drunk passing out after a wild drinking binge. That's what its like, I even wake up with a food hangover, disgusted, guilty, feeling sick, needing water, with a headache saying "I will never do that again!" Until I do...