I received a call from my Dr. today (finally) with my biopsy results: Benign, come back in 6 months for another review. Exhale! I can breath! I have been holding my breath since last Monday, 12/9/2013 when the biopsy took place, answering my phone calls on the first ring, waiting to hear. What an emotional week - it just so happens that last Saturday 12/14 was the anniversary of my moms death, taken too soon by breast cancer and in correlation I was waiting to hear if I might have to face cancer too (I sound like such a drama queen). I feel as though I was "on hold" for this whole week, not wanting to do anything, not make a move until I know...I am grateful to God that His plan for me was different, but I know that He would have been with me either way. Remembering that nothing happens by chance - I am not my own, I am bought with a price: 1 Corinthians 6:20, Therefore honor God with your bodies...I'm pretty healthy, I have goals and dreams that I feel God has put in my heart, what will I do with that?
I waste alot of time worrying, I waste alot of time in jealousy and envy of others, so much so that I don't get anywhere at all myself. A wake up call of sorts: I am able to put those things behind me and be and do better for myself, for others, for God.
Monday, December 16, 2013
Saturday, December 14, 2013
My name is Patsy, and I'm a foodaholic
Potluck at work - it started innocently enough, a few pieces of fruit, some yogurt and a tamale. I was trying to be selective...until I wasn't. It's like a snowball and then an avalanche, growing and growing and falling on my head! Binge! The next plate of food has a little of everything on it, so much so, that I need a 2nd plate for the Armenian pizza I cant say no to. Then I can't even tell you what I ate from there, sadly, its a blur. I ended the day at work walking out the office with hard candy in my mouth. I never eat hard candy, really, and thinking about what I would eat next.
The eating continued when I got home, some Cheetos puffs; I don't even know if I like those but they were there and I could keep chomping away until it was time to eat dinner when I had planned in my head to treat the family to In n Out Burger. I went to bed at about 11pm eating Hot Tamales candy, literally mouth full of candy. I woke up out of sleep about 1am and walked to the kitchen and mindlessly ate some cookies, turned on the TV and ate some more cheese puffs and feel asleep there - like a drunk passing out after a wild drinking binge. That's what its like, I even wake up with a food hangover, disgusted, guilty, feeling sick, needing water, with a headache saying "I will never do that again!" Until I do...
The eating continued when I got home, some Cheetos puffs; I don't even know if I like those but they were there and I could keep chomping away until it was time to eat dinner when I had planned in my head to treat the family to In n Out Burger. I went to bed at about 11pm eating Hot Tamales candy, literally mouth full of candy. I woke up out of sleep about 1am and walked to the kitchen and mindlessly ate some cookies, turned on the TV and ate some more cheese puffs and feel asleep there - like a drunk passing out after a wild drinking binge. That's what its like, I even wake up with a food hangover, disgusted, guilty, feeling sick, needing water, with a headache saying "I will never do that again!" Until I do...
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
Now I wait for the punchline
I was pretty emotional when I was told I needed a biopsy.
At that moment, the emotions were not about me though -
My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer at age 37 and her life was taken by cancer at age 47.
She was not the type to "share" her experiences - she never talked about her life, her feelings, past or present to us. So, when she was going through her illness and treatment she never, ever discussed any of it with us - I think in her mind she was trying to protect us or show strength. She went through it alone and that moment in the ultrasound room, it was dark, only the light of the screen and the tech had walked out for a long while and I was alone - I felt my moms loneliness like a heavy weight on my heart and I cried, not for me but I felt like I was crying for her. I wondered if she cried - sadly, I don't know.
I was told that I have 2 masses, one that appears to look very closely to breast tissue (and will be kept an eye on in the next 6 months, and one that looks "different" (in the words of the Dr at that moment "different is not necessarily a bad thing")
I was so nervous for the procedure but I think the Kaiser nurses and Drs. that were involved did a great job of preparing me, detailed and knowledgeable - they told me every step that would take place, answered every question I had and were so so nice, gentle & comforting the best "service" I've experienced. The nurses assured me that the Dr. doing my procedure was the most gentle that they work with - blessed me! cause my level of nervousness far surpassed what the experience called for in retrospect (but I also think this of mammograms, people just make mammo sounds soooo bad and that hasn't been my experience but that may be because my boobs are saggy and mostly skin due to weight loss - TMI ha! it's MY blog).
I laid on my back in the dark room so that the Dr. could use the ultrasound to pinpoint the exact area he needed to sample. So, I watched the screen while he gave me a shot - local anesthetic, similar to when you have your teeth worked on. I only felt a tiny pinch and was quickly numb. 2 needlely instruments were inserted to the left breast, I could see their target on the screen, so so tiny, a piece of dust but perfectly round and distinct. I could see when the needle reached it and heard a loud click, like a big staple gun - the sample was removed, needle reinserted and another loud click. The Dr. then inserted the tiniest titanium piece at the spot of the biopsy, like a spec - I liked that they called it a "ribbon" so that the spot will be easily viewed in the future, and he was done. One of the nurses had to stand over me and applied pressure to the area for what seemed like forever to minimize bleeding. They applied sutures and then had me just rest so they could keep an eye on me for a while - they really "babied" me, which is fine by me. Before I left they did another mammo to make sure the "ribbon" was visible, gave me instruction for after care - Ice, ice and more ice all day in my bra. Told me not to exercise or do any activity that will raise my heart rate for 3-5 days (no lifting over 5 lbs) and to heed their warning to take it easy - that I will feel fine at first, but don't be fooled. I was pretty good at first, probably mostly relief that the procedure was done - but as the day went on I was really sore and have been for the last few days - this is day 3 and I still feel sore.
They said it would take 3 to 5 days to receive the results of the biopsy - so, now I am waiting to hear. They asked, should we leave a message if we can't reach you? I guess so, no, maybe not, what if its positive and my daughter hears the message before me and she's alone and I can't comfort her? No, no message. The Dr. the nurses & Google have all told me of the slim slim chances that the spot is cancer. I wonder if that is what they told my mom too...I will never know.
At that moment, the emotions were not about me though -
My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer at age 37 and her life was taken by cancer at age 47.
She was not the type to "share" her experiences - she never talked about her life, her feelings, past or present to us. So, when she was going through her illness and treatment she never, ever discussed any of it with us - I think in her mind she was trying to protect us or show strength. She went through it alone and that moment in the ultrasound room, it was dark, only the light of the screen and the tech had walked out for a long while and I was alone - I felt my moms loneliness like a heavy weight on my heart and I cried, not for me but I felt like I was crying for her. I wondered if she cried - sadly, I don't know.
I was told that I have 2 masses, one that appears to look very closely to breast tissue (and will be kept an eye on in the next 6 months, and one that looks "different" (in the words of the Dr at that moment "different is not necessarily a bad thing")
I was so nervous for the procedure but I think the Kaiser nurses and Drs. that were involved did a great job of preparing me, detailed and knowledgeable - they told me every step that would take place, answered every question I had and were so so nice, gentle & comforting the best "service" I've experienced. The nurses assured me that the Dr. doing my procedure was the most gentle that they work with - blessed me! cause my level of nervousness far surpassed what the experience called for in retrospect (but I also think this of mammograms, people just make mammo sounds soooo bad and that hasn't been my experience but that may be because my boobs are saggy and mostly skin due to weight loss - TMI ha! it's MY blog).
They said it would take 3 to 5 days to receive the results of the biopsy - so, now I am waiting to hear. They asked, should we leave a message if we can't reach you? I guess so, no, maybe not, what if its positive and my daughter hears the message before me and she's alone and I can't comfort her? No, no message. The Dr. the nurses & Google have all told me of the slim slim chances that the spot is cancer. I wonder if that is what they told my mom too...I will never know.
Monday, December 9, 2013
A joke
So, these 2 mammograms and an ultrasound walk into a bar...
today I will have a breast biopsy to see if they found trouble
today I will have a breast biopsy to see if they found trouble
Friday, December 6, 2013
You make beautiful things
My daughter made my blog pretty! So I have to post something -
I'm pretty computer illiterate - but she's a wiz. I (all too often) ask her to help me with things on the computer, even putting songs on my iPod.
I thought a blog would be a great outlet and I'd have all these things to say - opinions, ideas...but the thoughts get tangled and seem overwhelming sometimes. It would be so ideal if I just knew how to keep things simple. My mind is either a list: 1, 2, 3, or a novel - words upon words, there's seems to be no in between and that is what keeps me from writing down anything at all most times. I think a blog should be personal, but how much to say? And then the focus of the subject matter - what I think about, what my interests are...what do I like? I like food and I like running, but can these always be the topic? How many times can I talk about these things geesh! I wonder why I am wired this way - why I have the interest that I have? Is this Gods plan, is He making something beautiful out of this stuff? I can only hope and have faith that He is.
Struggle with weight, self / body image has been a constant for me. Most days I feel like clean eating has helped me find a balance I can live with where food is concerned - not everyday, not all the time, but enough to keep me sticking to it, even when I have a "special" dinner out or something I can (more easily) pick up eating real food again - it's food that I like and enjoy anyway.
Exercise, oh exercise I don't like you - but running...suddenly something I want to do! My body does not agree but my heart pitter-patters at the thought! My legs, ankle (see previous post), hips (SI joint dysfunction), all think that running is a bad idea. Lately I have been doing anything I can to stay at it, even just a mile or 2 a day, a walk, with the dog - but I know it is not enough considering I have a soon approaching half marathon. What will happen...everyone says they just push through the pain, the weather and adversity and just tough it out.
I don't know what else to say right now and I would like to learn to just blog whatever comes and not push to some great novel or epiphany with each entry - just what's on my mind right now:
1. A personal medical issue
2. I am making chili - mmm
3. I just signed up for Spotify and can look up and play any song I want, they have pretty much everything even old stuff from childhood that my family loved as kids (listening to Sweet Comfort Band (1990) right now)
4. God makes beautiful things out of us - I am more than food and exercise and I know that God has a plan in all of this, all the things I like, go through etc...
Okay, TTFN
I'm pretty computer illiterate - but she's a wiz. I (all too often) ask her to help me with things on the computer, even putting songs on my iPod.
I thought a blog would be a great outlet and I'd have all these things to say - opinions, ideas...but the thoughts get tangled and seem overwhelming sometimes. It would be so ideal if I just knew how to keep things simple. My mind is either a list: 1, 2, 3, or a novel - words upon words, there's seems to be no in between and that is what keeps me from writing down anything at all most times. I think a blog should be personal, but how much to say? And then the focus of the subject matter - what I think about, what my interests are...what do I like? I like food and I like running, but can these always be the topic? How many times can I talk about these things geesh! I wonder why I am wired this way - why I have the interest that I have? Is this Gods plan, is He making something beautiful out of this stuff? I can only hope and have faith that He is.
Struggle with weight, self / body image has been a constant for me. Most days I feel like clean eating has helped me find a balance I can live with where food is concerned - not everyday, not all the time, but enough to keep me sticking to it, even when I have a "special" dinner out or something I can (more easily) pick up eating real food again - it's food that I like and enjoy anyway.
Exercise, oh exercise I don't like you - but running...suddenly something I want to do! My body does not agree but my heart pitter-patters at the thought! My legs, ankle (see previous post), hips (SI joint dysfunction), all think that running is a bad idea. Lately I have been doing anything I can to stay at it, even just a mile or 2 a day, a walk, with the dog - but I know it is not enough considering I have a soon approaching half marathon. What will happen...everyone says they just push through the pain, the weather and adversity and just tough it out.
I don't know what else to say right now and I would like to learn to just blog whatever comes and not push to some great novel or epiphany with each entry - just what's on my mind right now:
1. A personal medical issue
2. I am making chili - mmm
3. I just signed up for Spotify and can look up and play any song I want, they have pretty much everything even old stuff from childhood that my family loved as kids (listening to Sweet Comfort Band (1990) right now)
4. God makes beautiful things out of us - I am more than food and exercise and I know that God has a plan in all of this, all the things I like, go through etc...
Okay, TTFN
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