Monday, May 12, 2014

The making of a memory

Justin had been away for our anniversary - working in Washington.  He came home and asked what I wanted to do to celebrate both our 22 years married and mothers day. Disneyland, San Diego, Sea World?  All I could think of was going outside - to nature. So I looked for a get away spot in Big Bear and found something affordable with last minute availability and jumped on it!  I was so so excited, and happy that there would be a lot of room - we could bring Selena and Mocha and enjoy quite, family time and the outdoors...
Selena seemed to want to go with us, but made fun of me pretty much the whole time for my ideas of wanting to "be in nature" - "it's not going to be what you expected" "is this what you wanted to do?" "Are you enjoying your nature?"  There were arguments and put downs at every turn, but we get past them and try to enjoy what we can out of hurt and guilt and the promise of smiling, fun pictures that tell a tale of some great time.
I will really really try to never do that again, but I doubt I will keep that word - because when it comes down to it - I want Selena with us and won't give up trying to have fun with her, make memories with her, give her ideas and hope for fun family time in the future when I  am no longer, we went through the motions, smiled for pictures etc.
Sunday was mothers day - we woke up and argued, I cried and was sad and drove away from nature with anticipation of being home where we could be in our perspective corners, away from each other and the hurt that comes from words said, and unsaid.  We came home and slept for hours, woke up and was forced to eat a take out dinner that I didn't want ideally for my mothers day dinner - but kept us from having to choose something that was not neutral ground, like going out for margaritas and BBQ and having to leave someone home to sit with Mocha.  The mean words and attitudes continued to wound and I haven't stopped the interval crying.
Add to that the emptiness I feel that my mother is not here - the unfairness of that!! The stupidity of me checking FB again and again and seeing everyone celebrating their mothers and how their children celebrated them, an overwhelming emptiness and loneliness wraps me up like a blanket and I want to scream but am stifled by... by what? What stops me?  My dignity? HA! It's my phoniness that keeps me quite and the fear that others will hear me and not care.   

Thursday, May 1, 2014

A reflection of me

I was so sad and lonely I layed in bed and ate.  I drove through Del Taco, ordered food, drove home, ate it in bed and watched TV - consciencely, knowing that I was eating out of depresion, sadness, loniless but not caring because I wanted relief. 
I haven't cleaned my house in weeks, the kitchen floor unmopped, the toilet dirty, I wear dirty clothes - I just don't want to care, I do care, less and less each day.
We bought a new car 4 months ago, and I have not had it washed - ever. It's a mess inside and out, a reflection of me.               

Friday, April 11, 2014

Give me underwear, give me liberty

I wish I had an endless supply of clean underwear, all undergarments - including socks
I loathe laundry
It's like taking a big hunk of life and throwing it in the trash - the time it takes.

Sunday, April 6, 2014

2 sides of the same coin

It's like slipping into a deep sleep after a long, hard day
It's like a warm bath, or the comfort of the warm sun on your skin
like a rich, delicious, sinful dessert that you can't wait to enjoy and eat slowly to savor
It's feels safe and comfortable  
That's the danger of depression, it's easy to make it a lifestyle without realizing it's happening, without realizing it's not a good thing, it's a trap.
I guess that's the way it is with a lot of things that are bad for you
Without realizing it - what's bad is good, and what's good is bad   
Before you know it - you're drowning in the water
You're suffocating in your sleep
you've overindulged and are now choking on what was a lovely treat 
And that feels safe too

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

I need relief

I am addicted to pain relievers

My hurt and depression runs deep and I want to numb the pain

The problem with pain relievers though; they do not heal, they only numb or dull the pain temporarily

They do not heal

Pain relievers take many forms - most of mine are actions: eating/food, cooking, cleaning, chores. Things to occupy time and space so there's no time for the pain - no time to notice that no one else notices the gaping wounds

I am bandaged by sandwiches, stitched up by cooking dinner for my family, doing laundry or cleaning the bathroom is my crutch

I am losing sleep lately with worry - my family doesn't talk to me, include me, reach out to me and I wonder who these people are? That contact me when they have problems or need prayer but do not see me.

The pain relievers of today are no longer doing their job - they're not enough anymore and I am not healed.  

Saturday, March 22, 2014

I am low

When I'm angry, I want to cuss -
but most times, not always, I hold my tongue

There are multiple times during the day
that I long for a glass of wine, to relax and maybe even be a little tipsy and feel free. Free of responsibility and responsible thoughts and actions

but I am a christian woman - we don't do that?  Does it make me a hypocrite if I want that - if I do that? Am I shaming, disgracing what God has done for me, is freeing me from if I allow such things, even the thoughts into my mind, my real life?

I want to be sexy in pajamas - weird but true. I picture myself in oversized, comfy, fluffy pajamas and just being so adorably cute and sexy curled up on my couch with messy hair and a cup of coffee...

I want to have to tiptoe for a kiss or a hug - to have to reach up to put my arms around someone...

but I am big, oversized clothes only make me look bigger, like a linebacker, a man, not cute and sexy and adorably someone you'd want to cuddle and protect. I am tall; giant - pretty much taller then anyone I know. I never have to tiptoe for a kiss, or reach up to be hugged, actually, I am bent, hunched, slouched

I am low  

I fight this me everyday so I won't dislike myself more then I already do.

Sunday, January 12, 2014

I have to mention vacation

2 weeks into the new year already
Resolutions broken or on hold already

But let's back up a little to just a quick recap of Christmas time.
My little family went on vacation - for real.  For the first time ever we spent Christmas away from my family, in another state with my husbands family.  We actually planned more than a day or two at a time away from work and drove 25 hours straight to The Sunflower State, Kansas.
We drove through Arizona, Texas, New Mexico, Oklahoma arriving in Cherryvale on Friday Morning - the day before the main event, our niece Taylor's wedding. We missed any bad weather on our drive there, thank you Lord - but brought with us freezing cold temps and an ice storm.  
It was a blessing to be able to stay with my husbands sister, Tina and her family. After resting a while from our drive we had lunch with Justin's mom at a burger place called Braums. It had been a long time since we'd seen her. That evening we attended the wedding rehearsal dinner, met some of the family friends and enjoyed fried chicken and cake. We awoke on Saturday to freezing cold temps and what I thought was beautiful, sparkly ice on everything - icicles hanging off the house, trees and vehicles. We are not used to start up our cars 20 minutes before you need to go somewhere, and scrapping and chipping the ice off your windows. My sister in law doesn't own a coffee maker!! Shock! Whaaat! No way right?  But the great host that she is was kind enough to have already gone out and picked up plenty of coffee and breakfast. That afternoon was Taylor and Kenan's Christmas themed wedding. The church was simply, beautifully decorated with lighted Christmas trees, candles, pine and bows. The background music was christmasy too, with a small, 3 piece (I think) brass instruments and piano. Taylor looked beautiful in her moms wedding dress, redesigned to her taste. She has such an easy way about her, seeming genuinely happy, relaxed and confident in this day, in this decision she had made. The reception was comfortable and fun with great food, soup bar - delicious and gorgeous Christmas wedding sugar cookies - mmm mmm and some dancing fun for some at the end.
Sunday morning was another big day - we woke up early to drive to Kansas City, MO. to see the Kansas City Chiefs play at Arrowhead stadium. The roads we icy and scary (IMO) When we arrived at the stadium it was so fun to see all the fans there - everyone in the Chiefs gear all in red! We'd been to Chiefs games before when they were playing California teams, so this was exciting to be on the home turf. My husband is a man of few words, few expressions but I knew he was excited for this day - I could feel it. It was a happy, great family time and I am thankful to his sister Tina for the tickets she gave him for his birthday. It was a dream come true for him. It was freezing at the game, about 20 degrees, but windy and icy. The seats were mostly frozen shut and people were chipping away at the ice but luckily our seats were in a covered pavilion that was a little more bearable then other seats, but no matter - the place was packed and loud and full of energy. There came a point where it just became too cold to stay and we walked back to our truck stiffly, frozen, sniffling and happy that we came.