Thursday, November 7, 2013

I love to eat and run.

I am very hard on myself.  I am not sure how I will ever have a shift in my mind that will change that. When I think of the things I like, the things I enjoy - they seem so opposite of me, opposite of my physical & mental state, maybe its because it's what I dream of or wish I had. I love food. I think its beautiful and fun - I love to look at it, touch it, taste it talk about it, shop for it...take pics of it (the list is endless!) I think it basically has magical powers - yet it seems to be my worst enemy, not because of what it is , but because of what I am. Or what I see myself to be.       
I want so badly to run! I feel it like a burn in my heart and I think about it all of the time and picture myself doing it...when in reality - in my physical state, I am big and cumbersome. I have so much skin everywhere it drags me down. In addition, when I was 18 years old I was in a car accident in which my ankle was broken and I spent a month in the hospital getting my leg and ankle set, physical therapy etc... and I now have a metal plate and screws in my ankle about 6 inches long that cause me pain at times and results in extra strain on my other leg and hips when I run. I don't think I have ever had an "easy" run, one that doesn't hurt to some extent. As I am typing this I hear my mind saying things like "are you feeling sorry for yourself, your sob story - are you looking for excuses, and for others to feel sorry for you". I feel like I am trying to explain to myself why I cannot ever be more than I see myself as right now, why I never call myself a runner, why I see myself as fat and unhealthy and not good enough...trying to explain and make excuses for why I am not / cannot be the smiling runner, slim, fast, having an "easy" 12 miles today before the sun rises...

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